How To Survive Schizophrenia Without Meds – 10 Easy Tips To Survive Your Illness
You are a Schizophrenic, so what? It doesn’t mean you can’t function like a normal, productive citizen, even without doctors and meds. If you don’t want to blow your cover, because shrinks frighten you, and you think they’re aliens from outer space trying to implant their mind reading micro chip receiver into your brain, read and practice these tips:
1.List down the names of the people who live with you in your house, if a strange character suddenly shows up in your house, having access to rooms and seems to be following you, check your list, chances are, that person is not a family member.
2.Make sure you can tell the voices of real and imaginary people, apart. How to tell if the voices you hear are voices of real people? If they don’t speak to you all at once, they are real.
3.For the last time, your mom is not Satan incarnate!
4.If you choose to entertain and listen to the “voices”, make sure that you’re part of the conversation so you can talk to them and ask them to keep quiet when needed. You may also want to speak louder so the old lady with green hair hears you clearly.
5.Remember that the stairs at home is not a huge wonderful slide flowing with chocolate!
6.Should you have the sudden urge to stab your Dad, pause and think about the pats on the back and his assurance that you did a good job not biting your 5th grade substitute teacher, again.
7.The floating kangaroos on the ceiling telling you to jump out the window and fly, are not credible, especially if you don’t live in Australia.
8.Keep telling yourself that you are not a Rockstar, and so you should always keep your pants on, because you have no groupies cheering you to “Take Them Off!”.
9.On job interviews, remember to focus on the facilitator and answer the questions. Ignore the pink elephants dancing around beckoning you to join them.
10.And last but not the least, remember that singing as loud as you can in a bus is not cool!
Jan.15, 2011
WARNING, CONTAINS OFFENSIVE MATERIAL, BUT NO PROFANITY.
A Petition To Punish Annoying People
I personally think that there should be a law against people who are annoying. They don't need to be stalkers, there are existing laws against these crazies... The annoying people I'm talking about, are simply just annoying...
Here are my true to life annoying encounters with annoying characters:
1.A mandatory interaction with a nasty, greedy fat woman who stinks and just won't stop eating and talking. She steals too.
2.The pedicab driver, slightly disoriented, who keeps calling me "Pactum" whenever he sees me, and in the streets too - where everyone can hear. Like, "Hi Pactum!", and he's serious. Funny, but annoying.
3.Listening to an old fart who keeps on talking about how great he is, how people admire him, how smart he is and how fabulous his life is - when he hardly eats once a day and can't afford to buy a pair of shoes.
4.The store owner who over charges and adds extra fees that you didn't incur. He also increases the actual number of beers you purchased, to jack up your bill.
5.The woman I met at a focus group meeting that keeps on replacing all the "P"s, with "F"s, I should have said keefs and reflacing. I want to weef!
6.The Biology teacher I had back in high school, who flunked me because I told her that if she insists on her theory that we descended from the great apes, which is not how Darwin rendered it, I will agree with that idea only if she admits she's the only person who descended from a gorilla. She sent me to summer school, which was also very annoying.
7.Cab Drivers who ask for more than what the meter charges, and them drivers that ask “where to” then drives away.
8.Ugly People who have attitude, mean and wear bright to neon colored clothes.
And the list goes on…
I would like to petition, to the Government of the Entire World, that these people be punished. My idea of their punishment to be, should depend on the gravity of their annoyance, and also the number of people they annoy.
Level 1 – Verbal Warning and Community Service:
Verbal Warning shall be served by the state rockstar - content of the warning are as follows:
1.You are being warned by the Government of the World to cease from annoying the public, or else your case shall elevate to Level 2.
2.You shall, therefore, staple your mouth with the supervision of the District Attorney, if your mouth is the cause of the annoyance to the public.
3.If your mouth isn’t the problem, you shall therefore cover your head with a court issued paper bag, purposefully designed to hide and cover your face, so as not to annoy the public.
4.You will refrain from going out of your house, without court approval, if your mere presence is the cause of the public’s annoyance of you.
Community Service:
1.Community Service should include a 2 month scrubbing of the nearest City Hall roof and donating all your clothes to the neighborhood bums and homeless.
2.For Level 1 Offenders, you will also be summoned to go to the State Court every Saturday, for 2 months to sit still, with a mirror placed in front of you, for you to realize the disturbance you have caused the public.
3.You will also be required to go thru a 2 week training for Complete Silence Module and Complete Facial Makeover.
Level 2 – Written Warning and Prison Time
Written Warning Content:
(Written Warning shall be issued in the form of a 12 x 8 ft tarpaulin sign posted outside of the offender’s house with the content below):
1.You are a very annoying person, and the public, supported by the Government of the Entire World, is warning you that any of the pissed citizen, may clobber you with a baseball bat should you get really annoying, at any given day.
2.You are also warned to restrict yourself from interacting with anyone until further notice.
3.You are warned from attending any public gathering, assembly, rally, sport leagues, film showing and concerts, else, the public may be given permission by the State Court to beat you up and throw you to the nearest river.
Prison Time:
Level 2 Offenders will be sentenced to 2 years imprisonment in the public zoo, specifically assigned to the baboon cages.
Level 3 – Physical Warning and Physical Punishment with Prison Time
Physical Warning:
1.You will be tazed for a minimum of 3 hours by the State Hockey Team, with the coach and waterboy.
Physical Punishment:
1.You will be pinched by the Base Ball Major League audience in the stadium, headcount no less than 1,000.
2.You shall also be forced to slide down the highest children’s playground slide, specially modified – with razor blades and nails, then thrown into a tub of squeezed lemon and lime.
3.You shall undergo treatment after the 2nd Physical Punishment, to prepare you for the 3rd Physical Punishment, which is to be stabbed repeatedly on the forehead by the authorized gang members, with teaspoons, until one stabber actually penetrates the skull.
